Best of: Facebook updates

Since I have been having a hard time blogging and a generally easy time verbalizing my feelings on Facebook, I have decided to share some of my updates on my blog until I can cohesively write about my life in blog form.

_____________________________________________________________________________________


10/13/2015

"Me: Can't you just fly over.
Mom: I'd need to go to Netanya to get a loan to buy my tickets, since I can't do it through the bank in our town.
Me: ...
Mom: I can't go to Netanya by myself."
My heart hurts knowing that my mother, an aging Palestinian hijabi, can no longer go to the bank, get her regular doctor check-ups, book a ticket or even go grocery shopping alone in a predominantly Jewish or mixed city without worrying that a settler-colonialist might throw a knife at her side and yell "terrorist!" and have the colonizing police forces execute her at point blank.
Thank you America for your birthright trips, tax dollars and freshly minted illegal settlers and their violence.

قد ما انا إنسانه بوقفش افكر (واحكي) قد ما صعب عليي أكتب.

مش كل إشي بحياتي منطقي,

بالعكس,

حياتي عم بتكون جدا مش منطقية.

بتمنى لو إني من النوع اللي بيختار الطرق السهلة.

بس من وقت ما انخلقت وانا "صعبة"

وعم بكون كتير صعبة مع حالي وعَ حالي

_______________________________________________

بعد 21 سنة ع هاد الكوكب إستنتجت أنه لا جدوى بإني احاول اكون شاطرة او ممتازة او متفوقة. أنا حالياً في بداية طريقي للوصول للإكتفاء الذاتي. بديش أكون فخر لحدا, بدي اكون مبسوطة.

أنا مش موجودة عشان احقق اماني هاد المجتمع الذكوري او ارضي توقعات الجهاز الرأسمالي.

أنا بنت, أنا بدي أعيش عشان نفسي, وهاد يمكن أقرب إشي ممكن أوصلّه لمانيفستو.

بعرفش من وين لازم اكمل من هون, بس بعرف وين بدي اوصل وهاد اهم إشي.

أنا طموحة جداً, حتى لو طموحي مش مفهوم للناس الي حواليي.

شكراً لإلي ع هيك قرار

nargileh high coup

where is my hookah

cuz I wanna make you moan

but my body aches.





-h.

Confession

Sometimes when I'm embarking on yet another late night adventure, in the midst of all the laughter and momentary happiness, I look at my "historical Palestine" necklace and think: "Would Leila Khaled approve of my loud unfeminine laugh? Would Suad Amiry cuss vulgarly about a person she hates in the company of "friends"? Would Suheir Hammad talk this openly about her love life in a game of Truth and Dare? Would Woroud Qassim side-eye me for wearing this mini skirt without shaving? What would any (and every) Powerful Palestinienne think about me if she met me? Are the dead female martyrs looking at me while rolling in their graves and thinking 'What happened to Palestinian womanhood'? If my mother was my contemporary and went through similar experiences, would she do anything differently?". But then I take a deep breath and remind myself: I am not a symbol or a representative of Women or Palestinians and I am definitely not a representative of both put together. I am my own self; a barely legal jumble of cyber-knowledge, street-smarts, clumsiness and naivety. I try my best to be a good Palestinian Woman. I try my best to be a good person. I try my best to be a good creature. I try my best to be good. I try my best.

I try.

And I hope the foremothers forgive me when I fuck-up.

حابب تعرف كيف طعم الخرى؟

إسأل فلسطيني

Procrastination Laughs

Basically, I should really be studying but instead I'm binging on back-to-back episodes of Community, RuPaul's Drag Race and Russell Simmons' Def Poetry Jam.

Between going to work, watching all of these, occasional reading and microblogging on tumblr I've managed to find some golden gems of music and comedy on Youtube. This is one of my latest and favorite finds: 

The high quality of my finds when I should be doing something else is truly mind-boggling!

Enjoy the laughs :) 

Huda

Letting Go

My last memory of lighting was when God got angry

And the skies opened up wide and let go of all her wrath

All was full of light and shuddering sounds

Raindrops battling the ground

Then silence…

My first memory of you was when God was overjoyed

And the skies opened up wide and let go of all the sunshine

Illuminating your face like you were the source of heat and light which feeds the earth

My heart was full of naïve glee and wonder

Butterflies in my stomach sinking deeper and deeper

My heart, going under

Then silence…

My last memory of us was when God got angry

And the skies opened up wide to shed a tear or two

I realized heartbreak was on its way

Hearing the echo of my heart's tiny pieces pouring down from their place like cruel raindrops

Released from the tight grip of my own emotions

I tried but couldn't let go…

My tears soaked me wet before the rain ever reached my umbrella

I was drenched with pain and an awful aftertaste of unattainable love

Then silence…

My last memory of me was when God forgave me

For being one of those dirty sinners

The skies opened up wide and sucked me into the clouds

And I gravitated for the first time

I let go of you on my way up

And released myself upon arrival

It has been silent ever since

No lighting or rain in my vicinity

Just silence,

Peace,

And serenity…

- Huda M

Occasional Revolutionary

"Damn colonists!"

Happiness according to Hafez

What
Do sad people have in
Common?
It seems
They have all built a shrine
To the past
And often go there
And do a strange wail and
Worship.
What is the beginning of
Happiness?
It is to stop being
So religious
Like That.


-Hāfez

Happy Birthday Dr. Seuss!

I grew up with your beautiful and inspirational poetry, you still impact my life whenever I think of your books, thank you.

هابي فالنطيز داي :)

بتتذكر لمن حكيتلي قرب عيد الحُب؟ 

مكنتش انا ناسيه, بس عملت حالي مش متذكره عشاني مش متعوده اذكر حالي باعياد الحب,

 عشاني عادة بقضيها لحالي.

بتعرف شو بوجع اكتر من معرفه إنو هاد كمان عيد رح اقضيه لحالي؟ كمان يوم رح اقضيه مسبات ع الرأسماليه والكونسومارزم وشو عاملات بعقول المغرمين؟ كمان فالنتاين مكعبله بالتخت بوضعية الجنين, بوكل شوكالاطه وببكي بصوت واطي عشاني منافقه بغار منهم 

بالسر؟

إنك وعدتني مقضيش هاد العيد لحالي زي كل عيد.

وعدتني بحُبك.

  

وانا إنغرمت فيك... 

غرام من النوع المبتذل, 

زي تبع أغاني التسعينات,

 زي تبع افلام ماثيو ماكونوهاي,

زي تبع البنات باعلانات معجون السنان,

حُب من اول كذبه.

+++

بتتذكر لمن تركتني بالضبط قبل عيد الحُب؟ 

وقتها قررت أنسى بـأي تاريخ إحنا وبأي تاريخ الفالنتاين الملعون هاد.

أنساه للأبد...

بس لأ!

"بكرا عيد الحب واكيد الاحباب بدهم يتصلوا فيك كتير, لتغيير نغمة الانتظار لأغنيه رومانسيه إتصل بـ..."

عنجد شكرا سلكوم, 

ما صدقت وأنا انسى...

وبما أنكم قررتوا تذكروني,

بكرا كمان عيد حُب رح البس فيه أسود,

واشتري فيه شوكولاطه ويمكن حتى بوظه من تبعت العلب,

ورح ع الاغلب احضر فيه فيلم بذكرني فيك,

والف حالي بلفحتك,

واتكعبل تحت اللحاف,

وأغنيلك...

"أند أأأأأأأأي, ويل أولوايز لاف يووووو...."

 وأعيّط,

منو ع حالتي المزريه, 

ومنو ع روح عمتنا ويتني هيوستون.

Wild World

"It's hard to get by just upon a smile, girl."

Run, Lola, Run.

The pain within is restless,
it goes and comes and comes and goes like roller coasters
up and down and inside out.
What is more painful than to live in the dark,
is to see the light at the end of the tunnel
and to know
that you are too drained
to ever reach it.

Promoting :)

Keep an eye on these websites/blogs/microblogs:

Qadita (Arabic):

http://www.qadita.net/

iCheck Movies:

http://www.icheckmovies.com/

A Girl's Guide to Taking Over the World: 

https://www.facebook.com/agirlsguidetotakingovertheworld

Tamara Naser's blog: (Arabic): 

http://tamnas.blogspot.com/

Arab Girl Problems: [More Lighthearted] 

http://arabgirlproblems.tumblr.com

Hanan Mass' Youtube channel:

http://www.youtube.com/user/HananMass

That's it for now, pretty time occupying in themselves. 

Huda xoxo

بعرفش...

*هذا النص كتب بلسان العاميه وقد يحتوي على عبارات "عيب" المهم إذا إنتو عندكم حساسيه من العربي المطبش تبع الشوارع, تقروش.

بعرفش ليش وأنا أدرس متأخر, بتجيني موجة الإكتاب هاي. إللي احياناً بتوصل لإنني امسك قلم وأبدا اكتب, حتى لو كتابات مراهقية هرمونية ساذجة.

بس إلي فتره مش هيك وضعي.

إلي فتره محوربه القلم والدفتر والكتاب والادب والشعر والمدونات حتى.

 إلي فتره مش شايفه إبتسامتي. أبصر وين نسيتها. 

يمكن بين باصات "ايجيد" وتاكسيات الطيبه-كفار سابا (نفسي أعرف شو إسم كفار سابا قبل الإحتلال, خلص بسأل ماما, أو جوجل, مَهُمّي التنين بنوك للمعلومات, مأفرقتش كثير يعني).

بعرفش ليش هيك بعمل بحالي, بدشر حالي أوقع عن الحفّه. بطلت تفرق معي إذا إلي مستقبل أو مليش, المهم هسّا.

بديش أنضغط, بديش أنضغط, بديش أنضغط.

بحب أنضغط, بحس إنّو عندي إشي أعملوا, بس الضغط والقلق والسجن إللي فارضته ع حالي بسمحليش أعمل إشي. دوره مغلقه يعني.

المشكله إني بعرف أخطط, وأفكر وأضيع بأفكاري. بس الحياه مش براسي, الحياه برّه, الحياه شغل.

الصعب بالحياه هو الشغل, وانا تربيت اتدلل, مش اشتغل. تربيت بعصر ال"خلي جوجل يقلك شو كان إسم كفار سابا, فش حاجه تفتح كتب"

بعرفش ليش بحب أشارك الناس همومي, أكون كتاب مفتوح, أخرتها بتيجي ع راسي هاي, بذكركم.

مهو إللي بكون تي.أم.أي (تو ماتش إنفورماشيون) آخرتو بقول منها أخ وأي.

شو الهدف من إني أكتب ع إني مش عارفه أكتب؟ فش هدف, حنّو طيازكم.

بعرفش وين هدى. إذا بتشوفوها قولولها إنها تبطل تتأخر ع مواعيدها, لَ يفوتها قطار الحياه. 

So Stressed!

Oh my gosh, this whole thing with wanting to be more productive and going out more and stuff might be backfiring against me.
I'm drowning myself in stuff to do and courses/seminars to take. I'm not even taking the fact that school starts in less than two weeks into consideration anymore. I'm just going all out!

Some of the things I've been up to:

• I Found a job.
• Trying to keep aforementioned job.
• Trying to find more local social activism projects and looking for jobs on movie sets.
• Reading more books, at least two the same time, yet not finishing any of them. lol
• I Started taking an SAT course for the test in December. 
• Taking a "Critical reading/reading analysis of modern Arab texts" themed course.
• Got accepted to TEDxJaffa happening next month.
• I'm Going to Amman, Jordan on September 10th to see my favorite band ever, Mashrou' Leila, live in concert. (!!!!!!)

So, to end this short, hasty and lo-o-ong overdue post, here's a live version of one of my favorite Mashrou' Leila songs: (This version features background vocals by Aziz Maraka whom I adore as well, and an amazing band from Cairo called Ressala.)

Enjoy!

Huda

veggie food makes you sentimental (love song for an animal im not used to)

little dog by my side
please tell me you're enjoying the ride
cause i love you little dog
i swear, so much
even though you smell like.... a dog
i feel loved,
beautiful
just like you.
wishing i was as free as you
always remember me
sorry for being mean and harsh, ever in my life
i hope our memories accompany us forever in our lives...
lil' pup.

Visiting Colleges, Blogger's Block and Growing Up

Every once in a short while I have a really bad gut feeling telling me that I'm being unproductive, I ignore it like I do every time.

But not today.

To say I had an epiphany or an awakening is somewhat of  an overstatement, it's more like a process that has taken a very very long time for me to even start.

Being a lifelong "slacker" isn't as amazing as it is in the movies, being an underachiever starting at a really young age can really contribute to (or be a cause of; depending on how you see it) a person's low self-esteem; you feel useless and helpless so you give up before you even start.

Ever since I quit learning the violin 6+ years ago, I never took up an instrument. Whenever I felt like I needed extra money and my mother couldn't help me, I'd get depressed instead of looking for a job.

How is this relevant to looking for colleges? It is very much relevant. 

While colleges seek the smartest and most diverse students they also seek out passionate and ambitious young adults. So far so good, I'm smart (in certain areas) very diverse and very ambitious and passionate, but do I have what it takes to get up and actually execute one of the zillion billion gazillion ideas I have in my head? A couple of months ago the answer would've been a big fat NO.
If you're wondering why I would write about this now, simple; it's because I'm growing up. Not that I've been 5 years old for 17 years now (my mom would beg to differ with that), it's just that I'm starting to see things in a different light and I hope that my actions do start speaking louder than my words somewhere in the near future.
If anything, the past few days have taught me that there are kids my age out there, making a difference, and I sure as hell can be one of them. Being the colorful and interesting (HA!) young woman that I am, I might actually stand a chance in this big bloggerverse and maybe even in the bigger, more complex universe.
And some of the things I want to utilize this blog for are:

• Writing about the progress I make with time management and extracurricular activities during my stressful senior year, 
• Any new endeavors and hobbies I acquire/seek out.
• Creative writing and (a comeback to) poetry!!! 
• And as always, analysis of my surroundings, community, generation and pop culture.        

(I might mix in some of my newly acquired high fashion and fashion photography obsession, Oh yeah baby!)

So whoever you are out there, I give you this blog post for future reference in case I return to my bad habits, again, and you feel like yelling at me, please do.

NO MORE SLACKING (on my blog at least!!!) YA HEAR ME?

I'm not good at promises but I promise myself this and let's hope me doesn't end up disappointing me. ;)


Huda

Optimism and Gender roles.

I had a really shitty day yesterday and that hasn't happened to me in a while. I'm very blessed and I've been having a very laid back, chill and generally good time for the past couple of months! Even when I had finals and I was stressed beyond words, I still managed to smile.
What made me feel very bad was simple; failure. I'm pretty apathetic about school grades and failed relationships, but I never knew that not getting a spot on something I was eager to apply for could break me down this way.
But out of all the tears and disappointment I learned a lesson: Be confident but always expect the absolute worse.
That said, I'm done with the corniness and being preachy, now on to naggy/bitchy mode: My mother, who I absolutely adore and admire more than anyone else that has ever walked the planet, is a very traditional woman, indeed she identifies as a feminist and a liberal, but her religiousness and age always seem to conquer her more open-minded side in day-to-day life.
What has been bothering me lately is something very typical of an Arab mother/caretaker; her obsession with gender roles and expressions, namely in helping raise my baby male cousin (once removed), she seems to freak out each time he wants to wear any of my clothes or chooses pink over blue.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm all for calling him little man and teaching him how to play soccer and other traditionally masculine things, but seriously; a little kid wanting to play with a doll or choosing Minnie Mouse over Micky Mouse does not equal him becoming anything but normal.
It reminded me of this video that really made me think about how kids are pressured to fulfill the adult view of gender roles, which might not be that harmful since most of us were raised this way and a lot of us turned out fine, but you never know what kind of effect suppressing a kid's desire to be him/herself can lead to in their adulthood.

xoxo

Introduction

First and foremost, my name is Huda.
I'm a highschool student and I love music and movies, I also love writing about things and I'm pretty new to blogging.
In this blog of mine I will be exploring my writing abilities, critiquing pop culture, linking to articles that speak to me and documenting random events in my life.
I have yet to decide if this blog will be bilingual, but expect a lot of Arabic.
A little more about me: I like chocolate and the internet too much for my own good.

Hope you tune in for some more of my blog.

xoxo